Article : Sex, Commitment and Happiness

Sex, Commitment and Happiness
by Al Link and Pala Copeland ~ 4 Freedoms Relationship TantraPublished in two parts: Part I, Tone Magazine April 2003 and Part II, Tone Magazine May 2003
People who regularly experience pleasure tend to be happy and are almost certainly a lot nicer to be around. Sex is one of the healthiest and most beautiful ways to experience pleasure. A committed long-term relationship legitimizes sex and offers the needed safety and security to help you open to the many delights of sexual pleasure. Sacred sexuality practices such as Tantric and Taoist sex offer the further possibility of elevating your relationship to become a spiritual practice, thus re-uniting heaven and earth (sex and spirit). In this way it is possible to set your soul free by celebrating your body rather than denying it.
“Pleasure then becomes a universal, uplifting and healing experience that brings you closer to each other and to God, not an individual craving that sets you apart and drives you deeper into selfishness. Indeed, in this view it is the absence of pleasure that brings about suffering. For instance, developmental neuropsychologist James W. Prescott advanced the theory that deprivation of body pleasure has a direct impact on the amount of warfare and interpersonal violence. ‘The reciprocal relationship between pleasure and violence is such that one inhibits the other; when physical pleasure is high, physical violence is low. When violence is high, pleasure is low. This basic premise…provides us with the tools necessary to fashion a world of peaceful, affectionate, cooperative individuals.’ Sacred sexuality is one of those tools. By reuniting these two most powerful motivators—spirit and sex—we can heal the damage their separation has caused.”
Few things could be as important to your happiness as a relationship that satisfies through and through, and healthy passionate sexuality is one of the most important keys to relationship success. Equally important, commitment in long-term relationship seems to be essential to create a moral legitimacy for passionate sex. The simple (not necessarily easy) recipe is: relationship commitment + passionate sex = enduring happiness.
However, “even as sex is now more openly displayed, more freely accessible and almost obsessively examined, on a grand societal scale it remains at heart soul-less—separate, fleeting and essentially physical. While sex may be an expression of genuine love it is just as often a means to gain power, a bargaining tool for self-worth, a routine tension release, or a hedonistic escape. Sex may feel good, but for many, down deep it is still bad, as is most pleasure. Even though the pursuit of pleasure is part of the Canadian dream—an unassailable right—it is a guilt-ridden hunt, filtered through the notion that what comes from the body or pleases the body is against the soul. People are caught between choosing one or the other— diving headlong into hedonism—where only pleasure is important and all else falls by the wayside—or denying themselves pleasure to save the spirit.”
One step on your path to reclaim the joy of pleasure is to examine your own beliefs and assumptions about sexuality. Completing the following questionnaire will enable you to determine if you are limiting yourself with sex-negative ideas or are allowing yourself to experience the sexual/spiritual ecstasy that is your birthright.
Sexual Beliefs QuestionnaireThis is a short version of our sexual beliefs questionnaire. The full longer version appears in our book Soul Sex: Tantra for Two. These statements about sexuality are intended to help you become aware of your own (and your partner’s) beliefs, assumptions and attitudes about sex. The purpose is not to categorize you, judge you, or make you feel either good or bad. This is an exercise in sexual self-awareness. If you already have a sex-positive consciousness, you are fortunate indeed. That will make it much easier for you to progress rapidly in reclaiming your sexual ecstasy. If you discover that you are carrying the weight of a sex-negative consciousness, you are presented with a challenge and an opportunity. Your challenge is discovering how to let go of your negative conditioning. Remember, recognition is a step on the road toward change. Your opportunity is to mature spiritually as a whole human being, to celebrate life in a body that is the holy temple of your soul. In this maturity you can learn to give and receive love sexually, to surrender to your lover, to experience your birthright of bliss. Certainly, human beings have a remarkable capacity for growth.
Sex-Positive Statements
Sex is good, healthy and normal. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex is a source of pleasure and meaning in my life. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Women can be just as sexual as men. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex can continue happily on well into old age. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex can be a meditation. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex can be a spiritual practice. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex can be sacred and holy. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Through sex it is possible to have a mystical or religious experience. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I have fun with sex. Agreeo Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I can be creative in sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I have read at least one sex-instruction book since high school. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I have taken at least one workshop or course on sexuality since high school. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex is a way that I join with my partner on much more than a physical level. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I regularly communicate with my partner about what I like and do not like sexually. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Our lovemaking sometimes lasts more than one hour. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
We share being active and passive partners—givers and receivers of pleasure and initiators of sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I do not usually touch my partner’s genitals until she is very highly aroused and well lubricated. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I usually wait until she has come close to or has had an orgasm before vaginal penetration. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
We frequently open our eyes during lovemaking, and look into each other’s eyes. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
We sometimes harmonize our breathing during sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
We have learned to stay relaxed at peaks of sexual arousal. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I sometimes choose not to have an orgasm in order to build my sexual energy charge to a higher level. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I can separate orgasm from ejaculation and can have an orgasm without ejaculating. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I give my lover a prostate massage. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
We sometimes end lovemaking while we still have desire. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
The more of these statements you agree to, the more sex-positive are your attitudes, beliefs and assumptions about sex. If you agree with many or most of these statements, you are probably comfortable being in a body and with your sexuality. You are well informed and have considerable knowledge and skill of sexual technique and style. Your sexuality is likely integrated within the context of your relationship and your entire life. Sex for you is fun, healthy, normal, and possibly even sacred. You are able to give and receive pleasure, surrendering to your lover, and letting go of the need to be in control during lovemaking.
Sex-Negative StatementsAlmost everyone will answer yes to some of these negative statements. This should not be of concern to you assuming you answered yes to many more of the sex-positive statements. The opportunity is for you to become aware of any strong sex-negative bias. There are 40 questions in three categories below. If you agree with more than 15 of these questions, this indicates a fairly strong sex-negative bias. You may also want to look at the specific questions that you agree with and see if that provides you with useful information about your sexuality, indicating specific areas to work on.
You will have to decide what your answers mean by looking inside of yourself. Once you are aware of a powerful sex-negative bias, you can take steps to change it—if you want to. Soul Sex: Tantra for Two offers many ways for you to transform a sex-negative bias into a joyous celebration of spiritual sexuality. If you feel it would be helpful, you may wish to seek assistance through sexual counseling or therapy.
Current Sexual ExperienceNegative Attitudes, Beliefs and Assumptions
Sex is bad, abnormal, unhealthy, dangerous, dirty or a sin Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex without love is bad, only sex with love is acceptable. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex is acceptable only in order to have children. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
It is ok for men to like sex, but not for women to like sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Men cannot control themselves when it comes to sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
It is the woman’s responsibility to avoid provoking men’s interest in sex. If a woman looks, talks, or acts sexy, she is just asking for what she gets. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Good girls do not show interest in sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Mothers should not act, talk, dress, dance or be sexy. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Women should not initiate sex; only men should initiate sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex is just a physical thing. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Truly spiritual people are not very interested in sex, if they do have sexual interest they sublimate it. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex is a duty. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I am uncomfortable touching, hugging, and kissing in front of my children, parents, family, and friends. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I use sex to bargain for what I want. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I withhold sex to show disapproval or to punish my lover. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
The more of these statements you agree with, the more repressed is your sexuality. You probably do not enjoy sex and are likely to avoid it if possible. During sex, you may feel shame, guilt and fear. For you sex is purely physical, lacking any spiritual dimension. You may use sex manipulatively to get what you want or as a weapon to be in control.
Sexual HistoryNegative Sexual Experiences From Your Past
Sex was rarely openly discussed in my family. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
One or both of my parents taught me that sex was bad or a sin. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
There was little or no physical affection in my family. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
According to my religion or the religion I was raised with, sex is bad or is a sin, except within marriage and then, primarily for procreation. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I received little no or sex education in school. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex education in school left me with the impression that sex was bad, dangerous, dirty, or a sin. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
The longer we can delay having children learn about sex, the better. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Men and women’s naked bodies are ugly or shameful. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I feel shame or guilt when I think about or have sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I can remember at least one experience of sexual abuse, sexual trauma, or being forced to have sex against my will. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
The more of these statements you agree with, the more likely you are to carry a burden of sex-negative conditioning from home, school and/or church. There was probably little discussion of sexuality at home, and the message you received from school and church was that sex was to be avoided. You may have experienced sexual abuse or sexual trauma. You may avoid sex, or paradoxically you could be promiscuous.
Sexual Knowledge and Skill
Our lovemaking typically lasts less than 30 minutes. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Our sex usually begins and ends at the genitals; there is little or no foreplay. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Our sex has become routine or boring. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Our sex has become primarily a release of tension. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Having an orgasm is the goal of sex. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Ejaculation is usually involuntary for me. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Our sex typically ends abruptly with the man’s ejaculation. We rarely cuddle after that. We usually go to sleep or get up to do something else. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I sometimes fake orgasms. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I do not tell my lover what I like and do not like. My lover should know what I want. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I would like to learn more about sex techniques but I am afraid to admit it. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I learned what I need to know about sexual anatomy and sexual techniques in grade school or high school. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
Sex should just come naturally, planning for it or learning about makes it artificial. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I do not know how to touch my partner sexually. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I do not know where the G-spot is. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
I do not know what the prostate does. Agree o Strongly Agree o Disagree o Strongly Disagree o
The more of these statements you agree with the less satisfying your experience with sex likely is. You need more knowledge and skill to create a consistently fulfilling sex life. You entertain some common misconceptions about sex. You may not think sex is bad, but it may well be a duty or obligation, or a simple stress or tension release, rather than as a source of pleasure or as a spiritual practice. If you are a woman, you may have difficulty having orgasm. If you are a man, you may have performance anxiety and feelings of inadequacy about pleasing your partner. You may ejaculate prematurely.
Sharing Your Answers With Your LoverWe highly recommend that you share your answers with each other. Have a very honest discussion about your beliefs, attitudes and assumptions about sex. Then make decisions about how you wish to move forward in your desire to create a joyous sexuality as part of your life together. One option is to work systematically with the techniques presented in the book Soul Sex: Tantra for Two to raise your lovemaking to an art.